how to love her through miscarriage
i never thought i’d be writing anything on the subject of miscarriage. i also hesitated to write about this topic because i feel as though it’s such a hard, and touchy subject, and i didn’t want anyone to feel like i wasn’t representing things well…
a little context — i am 28 years old, it is currently August 5th, 2023 and i miscarried for the first time on July 8th, 2023. i was about 5 weeks along, and only knew for about 4 days before i began to bleed. the miscarriage was smooth, and it all happened naturally. if you want to hear more about it i wrote about it in my “newsletter” series harvest letters pt.1.
because i didn’t know for very long, and because i was not far along i told myself i wasn’t allowed to be so sad about it, and felt unqualified to write something like this; so instead of making it a general statement, i thought of things that if i had made it public knowledge, i would have felt so loved on, and would have made the whole experience sweeter.
i also wanted to add a sincere apology to those in my life who have gone through this, later on in pregnancy and in much harder circumstances, for not doing these things. for not loving you well. it feels like i entered into this new community, where i can actually empathize with you. my heart breaks for you.
- HOW TO LOVE HER THROUGH MISCARRIAGE
- HOW TO LOVE HER THROUGH MISCARRIAGE
DON’T TELL HER HOW LUCKY SHE IS TO HAVE THE CHILD(REN) SHE ALREADY HAS.
it’s easy to try and remind her how blessed she is, and if we’ve never been through it before we don’t realize how much this can hurt or disregard their hurt for their loss in that moment. it is a nice thought, but what it ends up doing is giving her mixed emotions of guilt and grief, and that’s not something she needs to thing about amidst the other things going through her mind and going on with her body. she knows shes blessed. usually, when pregnancy comes around, especially after a first, it’s desired. it’s dreamed about. wanting to expand a family does not mean gratitude for the one(s) they already have isn’t there. if that’s your fall-back response, just say “i’m so sorry, you are loved and i am here however you need me” instead :)
OFFER TO WATCH HER LITTLE(S)
even if it’s for a couple of hours. if you can take them even longer… even better. there’s a lot going on other than the mental battle of a loss - a lot of physical exhaustion, cramping, soreness, and it’s hard to be the Mama you strive to be during the process of losing a baby.
DROP OFF FLOWERS/COFFEE/WHATEVER WITHOUT ASKING TO COME IN
i know for myself, i am very reserved and private with things like being sick. i don’t even usually tell people unless i have to, or if they ask. i like to be alone. i don’t like having to explain how i’m feeling. not out of rudeness, but because i feel awkward doing it. going through a miscarriage was harder on me in this way than i thought it would be. the few people i told were so kind and would check in on me, but that wasn’t an easy thing for me to have to keep answering to. so i was really honest with them and told them what made me comfortable. dropping off flowers, a drink, a meal, or anything in that nature, just to show i was thought of and loved would have been such a welcomed and sweet gesture - but if they left it on the porch and let me be by myself. i don’t think it’s rude to have boundaries. sometimes your friend will ask you to come in with them, and that’s a great way to love on them. just make sure you’re not pushing them to host you during this time. feel them out and follow their lead.
MEAL TRAIN OR OFFER A MEAL ON YOUR OWN
Jake was so sweet during this time and made our dinners. i wasn’t eating much because i had a nasty sinus infection alongside nausea and cramping, so i declined when someone offered a meal just because i felt bad it wouldn’t be worth it for them(but the gesture was so kind of them). i did NOT want to cook a thing during the 4-7 day period it all passed and healed, but it was so nice to know my 3 year old and husband were fed well. it helped with the guilt.
ACKNOWLEDGE HER LOSS
i felt like since i wasn’t far along enough, and the fact that i only knew for four days that i wasn’t qualified or allowed to call it my baby. that i couldn’t really be that sad because i know others who had been taken to the hospital in rather scary circumstances, or almost to their second trimester when they lost theirs. mine just felt so quick and i downplayed it all. then i was told by a couple of sweet friends that i would see my baby again in heaven. that even though it was temporary and quick, i was meant to carry them. That felt like a warm hug to my heart. it was when i allowed myself to acknowledge i lost a life, even if it wasn’t developed yet. it was one of the most special and healing things that was done for me in that time.
HUG HER
tightly.
DON’T KEEP BRINGING IT UP
with most things, i would follow her lead. knowing someone well helps too. for me, it was nice to know they knew, but not walk in and see everyone look at me with sad faces. i didn’t mind talking about it if people had questions. i was actually blessed to find joy and peace very quickly, so i truly didn’t mind speaking about it, but i hate walking in and feeling this dark cloud of attention! i would rather move forward and acknowledge things here and there, then to keep having someone ask me how I’m doing every time i see them. it might be a pride thing, but it helped me heal so i just wanted to add this in case your loved one is anything like me.